The Conduct of Children is a Message to Parents: Some Thoughts on Aaron Broyde’s Graduation from קורס מ”כים, The Entry Level Commanders Course in the IDF
Guest post by R. Michael J. Broyde
Rabbi Michael Broyde is a law professor at Emory, was the founding rabbi of the Young Israel in Atlanta and is a dayan in the Beth Din of America. He can be reached at mbroyde@emory.edu
A few short days ago, my son Aaron Broyde graduated from קורס מ”כים, the entry level squadron commanders course in the Israeli Defense Forces — and Aaron Broyde is a wonderful source of pride and joy to his father. He joined the IDF nearly two years ago on August 5, 2009 and that too was a source of a great deal of pride and joy to me as well (link). But yet, I sit here today with mixed emotions, feeling somewhat sad, a bit embarrassed and exceptionally overjoyed.
First, I am sad that I am not there with him watching and celebrating his accomplishments — I went to his basic training graduation and my wife was with him for this graduation, but I know that I should be there with him to rejoice in his accomplishments. What kind of father does not attend his son’s graduation into a squadron commander? The simple and sad answer is “one who lives very far away,” and that makes me very very sad. As my son embarks on a new and novel journey into an adventure I’ve never experienced, I am an absentee father. I recounted this to one of my friends in a similar situation, and he shared with me his dour reply — “this” he told me, “is life in the Diaspora when you have children living in Israel.” I felt like weeping.
My personal feelings are hardly worth posting; we all sometimes miss events in our children’s lives — my oldest daughter recently reminded me (again) that I missed her kindergarten graduation, some twelve years ago. We hope our children forgive us or at least understand our absences and I hope Aaron does in this case.
In truth, I also feel embarrassed. The Zionist dream is living on in my children and I am hardly a part of it. Aaron and I speak on the phone regularly, email on occasion (but it is hard in the IDF), I send him articles and the like on his international wireless Kindle, and we all buy him gifts showing that we miss him — and love him — but I see his life moving in a direction that I chose not to move my life — into Israeli society — and I am embarrassed that I did not make that choice. He now sometimes speaks English like an Israeli (saying “eh” instead of “um” when formulating thoughts), he most clearly thinks already like an Israeli, and I suspect he will soon be driving like an Israeli too. His future is in Israel. Mine is here. Is the future of Judaism in Israel for the foreseeable future? Is Jewish life in America in decline? Maybe I should follow so many of my friends and move there, too? Or course that is not the path I have chosen, and I can justify it (even religiously) if I need to: My life, career and community are in America and my sense is that most of the things that I can accomplish in Judaism are here too. But I see and understand his sense that perhaps the future has passed me by. I hope not.
I am also overjoyed to watch as my two older children begin the process of outgrowing me, and I am looking forward to all my children embarking on the journey of outgrowing their father. As I watch my two adult sons build lives which I am but hardly part of, I feel the deep sense of accomplishment that I always understood was embodied in the Talmudic stories that end with the phrase × ×¦×—×•× ×™ ×‘× ×™ × ×¦×—×•× ×™ ×‘× ×™, (“my children have triumphed over me”). The deep sense of joy and accomplishment that a father feels when he looks at his adult sons and senses that they are on a path to accomplish much more profound than he even could, produces this sense of joy in watching one’s children grow up. Whether it is watching one son learn in ways that I can hardly keep up with or another wearing a uniform and holding a gun, I have this deep sense of joy and accomplishment in being surpassed by my own children.
When my children were little, and I thought about that “someday” when they would grow up, I thought how nice it would be if they came out just like me. As I grow older and develop a more critical sense of my own limitations and failings, that outcome would only make me sad. I am overjoyed that I have a son who is a soldier in the IDF — that my children are prepared for a life that vastly exceeds me in accomplishment: some of them (maybe not only one) living in our homeland in Israel, or exceeding me as a scholar, and each and every one of them growing to be something far better than his father ever could be. Without my limitations in vision or skills and unbounded by the restrictions of the time and place that I grew up in, I seem more potential in my children than I see in myself.
I am proud to have a son who is a sergeant and a squadron commander in the IDF.
Come now, IH, we all know it’s easier to gripe and snipe without having any real alternative. :-)
Glad to see chakira is back to being ignored as a troll. Troublingly, I think he might actually believe the trash he’s posting.
My rules…
Soldiers should be allowed to shoot at Arabs who are throwing rocks at them. Retreating is embarassing and demeaning and, hence, a chillul Hashem as well. Rock-throwing Arabs do not constitute an urban riot for which tear gas is appropriate. They are an enemy that wishes to destroy Israel and hence should be shot. Soldiers should have also been allowed to shoot on the flotilla rather than being forced to allow themselves to be thrown off a boat by a rabble.
Additionally, soldiers should never be made to go door to door to find terrorists — like they were in Jenin (causing 13 deaths) — when bombing from the air is possible.
Finally, soldiers should never be forced to stop settlers from committing revenge acts against Arabs and they certainly should never remove a settler from his house or help destroy it.
I believe an army is there to fight the enemy and that a government should care about its own soldiers’ lives and pride before that of the enemy.
I also believe that there’s no absolutely no reason for an Israeli to put his life on the line for a government that is slowly destroying Israel. Israel is only a dangerous place today due to the policies of an insane government. If not for the government, you wouldn’t need a soldier standing on every corner making sure you’re not a suicide bomber.
“Steve Brizel on May 25, 2011 at 4:38 pm
Mycroft-Please check the archives. More than a few posters on this blog have posted about the nachas and tzuros of their children , their career choices and hashkafos, their views on chinuch habanim ubanos and their simchas, as well as what are the undeniable simchas of being a grandparent. WADR,doing so is not yehara, but rather allowing others to share in a simcha and to offer their experiences in helping getting thru the ups and downs of child rearing. I would consider all of the same means of showing empathy or inviting others to do so as well.”
responding to my comment:
“Rabbi Broyde should be thankful that he can write the above-there are probably Hihurim readers whose fathers couldn’t have written similar about them or others who couldn’t write similar about their children-and some who neither their fathers nor they could write about their children”
I don’t see where I even raised the issues in the COMMENT that you are responding to. I did not raise the issues in the comment that you are responding to.
Thanks, Baruch. And just to check, you believe this is what halacha dictates as well as being your political leanings?
Baruch, whoever he is, wrote:
“2) I am, in fact, suggesting that Israelis should not join the army (with its, or the government’s, current policies and rules of engagement). If I made aliya and was asked to serve, I would serious consider refusing. (The only reason I perhaps wouldn’t do so is a practical one — I would be blacklisted from a lot of jobs etc.)
3) As far as supporting the state or the IDF goes: I’m not sure what that means. I support the Zionist enterprise, which of course includes the state and army. But I can’t stand and am embarassed by the people dragging it down into the pits
See the new issue of Commentary and the article by C R Dr. Daniel Gordis on why heterodox ( and even according to the author) some far LW MO rabbis have difficulties embracing the particularistic, as opposed to the universal vision of the Jewish People and the State of Israel. The above quoted author would fit in well with the people discussed in the article.
Baruch set forth the following so-called and self-styled “rules of engagement” :
“Soldiers should be allowed to shoot at Arabs who are throwing rocks at them. Retreating is embarassing and demeaning and, hence, a chillul Hashem as well. Rock-throwing Arabs do not constitute an urban riot for which tear gas is appropriate. They are an enemy that wishes to destroy Israel and hence should be shot. Soldiers should have also been allowed to shoot on the flotilla rather than being forced to allow themselves to be thrown off a boat by a rabble.
Additionally, soldiers should never be made to go door to door to find terrorists — like they were in Jenin (causing 13 deaths) — when bombing from the air is possible.
Finally, soldiers should never be forced to stop settlers from committing revenge acts against Arabs and they certainly should never remove a settler from his house or help destroy it.
I believe an army is there to fight the enemy and that a government should care about its own soldiers’ lives and pride before that of the enemy.
I also believe that there’s no absolutely no reason for an Israeli to put his life on the line for a government that is slowly destroying Israel. Israel is only a dangerous place today due to the policies of an insane government. If not for the government, you wouldn’t need a soldier standing on every corner making sure you’re not a suicide bomber
1) I agree with your first point.
2) Air power, by itself, has never been the means of defeating an enemy. That task remains the responsibility of the grunts on the ground who have to go into booby trapped locations to find terrorists.
3) The IDF is the means of protecting Israeli citizens-not the settlers.
4)Israel is far safer today than it was during the Intifada.
Mycroft responded:
“Rabbi Broyde should be thankful that he can write the above-there are probably Hihurim readers whose fathers couldn’t have written similar about them or others who couldn’t write similar about their children-and some who neither their fathers nor they could write about their children”
I don’t see where I even raised the issues in the COMMENT that you are responding to. I did not raise the issues in the comment that you are responding to”
WADR, that is a disingenous response. You raised the issue of Yehara and I responded that a casual check of the archives would indicate that more than a few of us have discussed the ups and downs of our family lives, especially with respect to child rearing and related issues. How discussing how one sheps nachas is yehara simply mystifies me.
IH,
I don’t believe halacha has much to say on the matter one way or the other; in general I believe this is far more of an aggadic issue than a halachic one. So I would say that common sense and Jewish values support what I say.
(In case you should try citing one halacha or another, let me clarify that the halachic sources that discuss national issues and warfare are few and far between and can be, and have been, twisted by anyone who wishes to advance his or her political agenda. As Marc Shapiro has written, he has never found someone who says I think giving back land is a great idea but unfortunately halacha forbids it. Likewise, he has never found someone who says I think giving back land is a horrendous idea, but unfortunately halacha seems to require it.
(There are no clear halachos on these type of matters, and it’s best to leave halacha out of the discussion.)
Steve Brizel,
2) Jenin, or parts of Jenin, could have been levelled from the air. There was no reason to go door to door. (I realize this gets into the whole discussion of collective punishment. I don’t see the Arab population as innocent. I actually think the average Arab in the West Bank is far guiltier than the avergae German or Japanese who was bombed in WWII.)
3) Are settlers not officially citizens? Palestinians in the West Bank are certainly not citizens. Finally, I have no problem letting the IDF taking care of business. But if it won’t, then it at least should have the decency to stand aside when others do.
4) Who let the Intifada drag on for so many years? Whose policies created it?
I am happy we agree about #1, though. That in itself is almost enough for me not to want to serve.
In general, I should mention, my complaints against the IDF relate to soldiers posted in the country itself — those who essentially fulfill the functions that police do in America. They do not relate, by and large, to soldiers posted on the borders.
Steve Brizel,
You wrote: “See the new issue of Commentary and the article by C R Dr. Daniel Gordis on why heterodox ( and even according to the author) some far LW MO rabbis have difficulties embracing the particularistic, as opposed to the universal vision of the Jewish People and the State of Israel. The above quoted author would fit in well with the people discussed in the article.”
I’m not sure what you mean. I embrace both visions. If all you mean to say is that I am embarassed by Israel just like LW Jews are… well, yes I am. But my embarassment stems from what Israel and the IDF don’t do rather than from what they do do.
Baruch — thanks. I agree that halacha should be left out of the discussion, hence my wanting to clarify your position. Although I strongly disagree with your position, I have no interest in having a political debate in this thread.
“WADR, that is a disingenous response. You raised the issue of Yehara ”
How did I in the folllowing?
“Rabbi Broyde should be thankful that he can write the above-there are probably Hihurim readers whose fathers couldn’t have written similar about them or others who couldn’t write similar about their children-and some who neither their fathers nor they could write about their children”
What is false in what I wrote? I did not write an attack on R Broyde.
Mycroft wrote:
“Rabbi Broyde should be thankful that he can write the above-there are probably Hihurim readers whose fathers couldn’t have written similar about them or others who couldn’t write similar about their children-and some who neither their fathers nor they could write about their children”
WADR, I consider the above comment as a not so thinly veiled comment that one should not shep nachas about one’s children’s accomplishments because the same is a form of Yehara.
In reading the comments, it is somewhat sad that there are those, sometimes hiding behind anonymity, who simply post vicious and hurtful messages. Rabbu Broyde and his son are Zionists and they have the right to follow their ideals. Certainly his son has the right to decide where he wants to live and serve, and this has nothing to do with hakarat hatov. The nasty postings are a reflection on the characters of the senders who owe Rabbi Broyde an apology.
Substantively, I thank Rabbi Broyde for expressing my own feelings which I sometimes cannot articulate as artfully as he has, as I contemplate the lives of my two sons who decided to go on aliyah, one of whom is currently serving in the Israeli Navy, and the second who is active politically in the country and planning to enlist shortly.
Mr. Tauber: I know your second son; you should be proud of him. Nice guy, too.
“I consider the above comment as a not so thinly veiled comment that one should not shep nachas about one’s children’s accomplishments ”
That was not my comment-
If one wants to start a thread about permissibility of bragging about ones own accomplishments, ones childrens accomplishments assuming the bragging is even different fine but that was not my comment.
Shepping nachas could be private to oneself/ an entirely different issue than bragging-but I did not raise the issue about this post in my comments.
BTW-I have heard R Broyde speak many times, have read many of his articles and wish there were many R Broydes.
“Steve Brizel on May 27, 2011 at 3:16 pm
Mycroft wrote:
“Rabbi Broyde should be thankful that he can write the above-there are probably Hihurim readers whose fathers couldn’t have written similar about them or others who couldn’t write similar about their children-and some who neither their fathers nor they could write about their children”
WADR, I consider the above comment as a not so thinly veiled comment that one should not shep nachas about one’s children’s accomplishments because the same is a form of Yehara.”
I write a poignant comment about reality and get accused of thinly veiled comments.
In reply to Nachum. Thank you. I am very proud of him.